I never thought I'd be a father, but it's the greatest blessing life has given me.
I'm an actor, 43 years old, and the father of two daughters (and four other pregnancies that didn't come to fruition... and I still hold them in my mind and heart. I never forget them).
I grew up with the idea that someone passed on to me (because someone in turn passed it on to them) of "don't have children until you've achieved 'career success.'" Sound advice, but perhaps bad advice. If I had waited for that success, I would never have become a father. I would never have experienced love and my commitment to being better in this way. I would never have been so lucky.
My wife and I were "lucky."
We got married almost 10 years ago, and for the first five years, we were unable to conceive successfully. It's a difficult path, with a lot of pain, and until you walk it yourself, you don't realize how important it would have been to pay attention to these issues and talk openly about them in your 20s, or maybe earlier. Consciously, with real information, without judgment, and listening to the honest experiences of others. Biology doesn't lie, nor does human history.
I believed I'd be young forever, with no responsibility other than to look out for myself and go from flower to flower because the important thing was my acting career. And you have to sacrifice for your art (bad advice) in order to achieve success (another bad piece of advice, which is also subjective). Perhaps this was a way to avoid taking responsibility for my life and taking the next step in human development. To grow. Or perhaps it was because I listened more to the voices of those who complained about their mother, their children, their husband. Maybe they did it as a joke or maybe they were really complaining, but I interpreted it that way. Unconsciously.
My wife and I were "lucky" because although we didn't get government assistance through Social Security (which, in theory, is what you pay taxes for), we had the financial means to access in vitro fertilization through egg donation. A difficult decision that took us about a year to arrive at.
After countless appointments with "expert" doctors in Mexico and the United Kingdom who charge you an arm and a leg for a short 30-minute appointment, most of whom patronize you and your wife. They don't listen to you, they don't listen to her, they stand on an altar because only they know how to help, and they even have the nerve to shame you for not coming to them sooner. After all that, we managed to find a couple of doctors who changed our perspective.
The first one in the UK told us, “You should decide if you want to get pregnant or start a family. If you really want to start a family, you can also consider egg/sperm donation, surrogacy, adoption, or foster care.” When he told us this, I almost jumped on him because I was hurt by his tactless way of saying it, by his dismissing us from a traditional pregnancy, and by his questioning us after going through so much. But he was right that there were more options for starting a family.
The second was a doctor at a clinic in Spain. My wife and I still weren't 100% sure we wanted to go that route. I asked her why people donate. She told me that many women donate because their relatives couldn't have children, or because they had miscarried in the past, and it was their way of rebalancing things. She followed this with a comment, “We love it when you bring the babies to the clinic once they're born so we can meet them.” This blew my mind and brought tears to my eyes. I suddenly understood that there was a whole team of people whose job was to help bring our baby to life. I suddenly felt like there was a whole team cheering, rooting for our baby to cross the finish line and be born.
We also turned to the holistic/spiritual path, doing family constellations, ceremonies, and cleansings with shamans. I'm personally convinced that all of this helped when the odds weren't in our favor. And it definitely helped us give life more meaning and bring us some spiritual peace in the process.
It's true that time is money, from the moment we are born, but especially for pregnancy. It's true that after the age of 25, a woman's fertility drops rapidly. The biological clock is true. It's true that hormones are hormones, but they are part of being a woman. It's true that women are supernatural, superheroes, because they can create life, nurture, and give birth. It's true that when instinct calls, it is stronger than reason.
It's true that a man can only accompany his wife during this stage, feeling helpless because he can't do anything practical for his partner during difficult times other than try to be there. With your heart, protecting your partner as best you can, but also with your vulnerability.
The period of trying to get pregnant is very hard when time isn't on your side, because time doesn't care.
The preparation period for in vitro fertilization is very hard, because the woman has to inject herself and take all kinds of medications in every orifice, and because sometimes the preparation or the transfer doesn't work and you have to try again. It's expensive. Very expensive.
Pregnancy is very hard because morning sickness has no schedule, because it's difficult. Because your wife's body changes completely, because your partner changes, and there are no longer just two of you. Everything is very difficult for the woman, in her body, in her mind, in her emotions. And the man can only accompany and try to lessen the burden. And try to take his place as a good man.
My wife and I were "lucky." We managed to achieve it at 40 and again at 43, but it breaks my heart to think that there are people who reach this point because they didn't have a conversation about it at the time and now it's too late, because time has passed or because there's no financial way to achieve it.
Whenever I get the chance, I talk about this, trying to use my experience to help someone decide sooner. Whatever the decision, but make it consciously. Because that way there won't be any regrets or guilt.
Being a father is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It confronts me with my father, with my mother. It confronts me with my wounded child, with everything I haven't resolved. It makes me see that the only one who can heal my wounds is me. It pushes me to work to be the best version of myself. No one is responsible for me but me. My daughters are my best teachers, and every time I fall, every time I fail, which is often, they remind me to try again.
There's no sweeter word to my ears than hearing my daughters say "daddy," "papa." Working with big companies and on big stages pales in comparison to reading to my daughters before bed. Walking hand in hand with my daughters. It brings life back to its original meaning.
For them, for my wife, and for me.
@alvarofloresactor
